Niklas used to love these.

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  • 2006-10-01: Niklas's Grandma Meeker came to visit today. He entertained her mostly by sleeping off the epic bout of fussitude that had kept him up nearly all of the previous night. Still, there was one incident of note, perhaps of epic significance: I was in the living room doing various charitable acts (or maybe watching football, it's hard to keep track) when I heard a commotion from Niklas's room. Andrya and her mother had taken him in there to change him. When I arrived on the scene I saw the following:

    Andrya laughing uncontrollably.
    Andrya's mom scrubbing the wall.
    A trail of poop leading from Niklas across his changing pad to the wall, about 18 inches away.

    Apparently, Niklas decided that with the new month he would display a newfound affinity for fecal pyrotechnics. I have never seen such a wanton disregard for proper poop etiquette. It was a spectacular display with the poop running all the way down to the baseboard. Please note that anyone considering buying this condo in the future should disregard this clearly fictitious tale of poop on the walls.

    Here's a picture of Niklas not fussing and not pooping all over the place.

    2006-10-04: It's been a rough couple of days from a laundry standpoint. Niklas has been doing his best impression of the Bellagio fountains in Vegas, except instead of water his perferred media are poop, pee and puke. Not content to poop on just on the walls of his room, he expanded he repetoire to include the floor yesterday. Truly, he's a master of his craft.

    Andrya took Niklas for a walk yesterday, he seemed to enjoy the outside (note: I assume he enjoys anything that doesn't cause him to start acting a fool and screaming his head off). He also took his first bottle since the hospital yesterday.

    2006-10-06: Wow. It just doesn't stop with this guy. I'm sure that one day soon Niklas will start to do interesting things other that are related to something other than cuteness or bodily functions. That day is not today. You can remove the walls of his room from the list of things Niklas has not peed on. This one was my fault. I turned my head for a second and Niklas unleashed a stream of urine more powerful than any pee-pee teepee could hold. Luckilly, he was pointed at the wall and not me.

    Niklas also has decided that his hairstyle needs a change. Unfortunately, since he does not have access to hair gel or any other modern day hair type product, he was forced to spit up all over his own hair and then sleep on it for an hour or so. Sadly, there are no pictures to document it, but the left side of his head had some serious milk induced spiking going on. Here's an artist's conception of what it looked like:

    2006-10-07: Today was the first day Andrya left Niklas alone with me. There were no disasters in the two hours she was at the Target. It probably helps that he slept the whole time, but don't let that stop you from heaping praise upon me for my parenting skills.

    There are a couple new pictures up. If you're looking for Niklas Smith action photos, look no further.

    2006-10-09: The worst, WORST of all poop incidents (according to me) happened yesterday. I was wiping Niklasís posterior during a diaper change when all of a sudden, he filled my hand up with poop. When I looked down at my hand, it appeared as though I had scooped a big handful of poop out of some sort of large poop bucket that someone thought it would be a good idea to store large amounts of poop in. Needless to say, I panicked. My screeching amused Andrya no end.

    Niklas had some visitors yesterday. Karen, Lynn and Hanh came by and brought him some fabulous new clothes. For a while, before he was born, I was under the impression that he had enough clothes to last him until he was five. Now, after changing him approximately 43 times a day, I am convinced that we will never, ever have enough clothes to keep us from having to do the laundry every two hours.

    Niklas continues to curse the Steelers. I donít know what they did to upset him so much, but they better set it right soon.

    2006-10-11: Today's song that describes Niklas the best:

          The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald

    "Why?", I'm sure you're asking. "What could a 1970's Great Lakes shipwreck have to do with such a precious child? Niklas isn't involved in the transport of iron ore, or any other sort of ore, for that matter. What kind of liar are you, anyway?" Calm down. I'm reputable. Listen to this astonishing tale of the sea and judge ye for yourself.

    So. It was bath night. I put his bathtub on the kitchen counter and took him into his room to take him out of his diaper. Andrya started to fill his tub with water, water that was not nearly as cold nor deep as Lake Superior (in fact, it was of appropriately warm temperature and a sensible six inch depth). Back in his room, his diaper was full, as full as the Fitzgerald was of ore that fateful night. I wiped him down and took him out, naked as the day his was born (or, if you will, four weeks ago), for his bath.

    The waters grew choppy. They chopped all over the counter because I hadn't put the plug in the tub. While Andrya scrambled to wipe up the swells that poured through our kitchen, I wrapped Niklas up in a blanket. When the kitchen no longer resembled Whitefish Bay, Niklas and I returned to the tub. We unwrapped him to find that he had pooped all over the blanket. Once again, I wiped him down like his butt was the deck of a lake freighter. Finally, we launched him into the tub.

    He was there for about 35 seconds before he started peeing all over the place. I deemed it as unwise to bathe a baby in Whizz-2-O as it would be to pilot a ship though the stormy waters of Superior in the late fall, so we took him out of the tub and put him on the counter. I wrapped him in his monkey towel while Andrya filled the tub for a third time. Niklas then spit up over his towel like he was seasick. When the tub was finally ready again, he grabbed a hold of a wineglass hanging above the counter. When I finally pried his hand loose, he knocked the glass into the others hanging from the winerack and set them all ringing like buoys in a gale.

    After that, everything went smoothly.

    2006-10-14: Niklas and I are now two for two in the disaster avoidance department when we're left alone together. Andrya had a doctor's appointment yesterday, so Niklas and I held down the fort. There was only a minor pee-related mishap and a bit of fussing that was alleviated with a bottle. Good times!

    To make up for his good behavior, Niklas decided that he would like to eat every two hours last night. That's not so rough on me, but Andrya is definitely opposed to this new development. Hopefully, he'll get that squared away.

    This morning, he managed to glue my fingers together with poop. I don't want to talk about that.

    2006-10-16: The Steelers won their first game since Niklas was born yesterday. Here he is celebrating their second touchdown of the day.

    I had meant to come up with a "Niklas is one month old" type entry on the 13th, but things came up (mostly diaper related). I still think it's a good idea, so here's this:

    Niklas Is One Month (and three days) Old

    As late as about 1:16 PM on September 13th, I still couldn't really wrap my mind around the fact that we were going to have a baby. It's hard to explain. Andrya certainly wasn't smuggling basketballs under her shirt and I knew that we hadn't bought all those baby clothes and furniture because it was cute (it is cute, but my point remains valid). Still, at 1:16, after three hours or so of pushing, I had no conception of what was about to happen.

    That all changed at 1:17 when his head came out. To preface, I was afraid that I would be horrified when I first saw him. At one of our pre-baby classes at the hospital, they had shown us a video of some live births. To say they made me queasy would be an understatement. These slimy alien looking things were climbing out of some unnatural looking orifices in a generally terrifying display. When Niklas stuck his head out, though (Note from Andrya: "I wish he just stuck his head out. That's not exactly what happened."), I was overjoyed.

    That lasted about two seconds before I started to panic because he wasn't making any noises. Then his shoulders popped out and he started to move around a bit. That relieved a bit of my paranoia. After the nurses cleaned his mouth and nose out (they were, indeed, full of the goo I had been scared of, thank you very much Great Expectations live birth video), he started to fuss about a bit and generally act like a baby.

    Before I had any idea what was going on, the Doctor was handing me some medical scissor things (I'm sure there's a word for them... probably "scissors") so I could cut the cord. It actually took me two tries to get through it. I'll blame the quality of the "scissors", but it was probably because I was in a heretofore unknown state of euphoria and panic with a little shock thrown in. Nothing can really prepare you for seeing something that large emerge from your wife. Anyway, I got through the cord and managed to spray some blood all over myself. The doctor saw it and acted like it was no big deal, so I assume that's normal. That never happens on TV, from what I've seen.

    At this point, stuff started to happen really fast. The nurses told me to get my camera as they took him over to be measured and weighted. When I got back to Niklas (it was weird, it seemed like I was gone for a few seconds or a few hours. Seeing as how the camera was about 10 feet away, I'll go with the former. Again, euphoria/panic/shock) the nurses had wiped him off and he was laying on the scale. I took this picture of him. Then, beginning a trend that lasts to this day, he peed all over the place.

    Next, they put Niklas under a heat-lamp type thing. While all of that was going on, Andrya delivered the placenta. I can't say I'm sorry to have missed that. I got to hold him for a minute (probably a lot longer, euphoria/panic/shock) which was awesome. Then, when the doctor had finished up some stuff with Andrya, we took him over to her.

    After that, I know they washed his hair because it was still pretty gunked up. I know that while we were still in the delivery room I got to hold him again and I sang him some Clutch songs so he was off on the right foot musically. Then, we were off to the recovery room and the rest of what I'm sure will be an exciting and wonderful life for Niklas.

    2006-10-18: Niklas learned to stick his tongue out yesterday. Well, sort of. He can't really figure out how to get his tongue out of his mouth. If you stick your tongue out at him, though, he'll open his mouth and ram his tongue into his bottom lip. Next, I'm going to try to teach him to yell at bad drivers in traffic. That, and how to poop in a toilet.

    There's a less terrifying picture of Halloween Niklas up on the pictures page. He's much less frightening while he's asleep. When he wakes up, though, watch out!

    2006-10-21: Niklas is doing well. His previous routine of pooping about thirty two times a day has been replaced by a newer, arguably better system that involves two King Kong size dumps. He's also starting to grow out of his newborn clothes. Luckily, I've got him stocked up on Pirates, Steelers and Penguins stuff of larger sizes.

    Things That Are Funny

    Raising a child is serious, serious work. Serious. Still, there are some perks that are hilarious. Such as:

    Messing Up Niklas's Hair - I always thought that bald babies were cute, but I'm glad our guy has hair. I like to give him such classy looks as the Einstein, the Clown and the Bruce Willis. Sadly for you, I'm saving the photos so as to embarrass him when he's older.

    Making Niklas Do The Fussy Dance - If there's one thing Niklas likes to do, it's fuss. For most people, this is a source of annoyance. However, I have found a way to make it fun for the whole family (excluding Niklas). When his screaming hits its peak, I hold him under his arms and pivot his body back and forth so as to kick his legs out to either side. It's kind of like he's doing half jumping jacks. Good times.

    Putting Socks On Niklas's Hands - Socks in lieu of gloves? No way that's not funny.

    2006-10-23: Our long (two day) national (very, very local) nightmare of Niklas yelling like he's getting paid for it is over. He apparently had some gas issues. Even though the price per gallon is under three bucks now, he still thinks it's a rip-off. Maybe if he were actually getting paid for the yelling, he'd be ok with it. Sadly for us all, his internet bulk poop/pee sales venture hasn't panned out as well as we would have liked, so I think Andrya and I will have to comp him the rent this month.

    Niklas has discovered a way to wreck two diapers every time he's changed. I think he's in league with the Huggies people. I suspect that they've worked out some type of compensation other than cash, because like I said, that dude is broke. He has been wearing some pretty flashy clothes lately...

    Finally, Niklas set a new all time personal best for messing up an outfit by throwing up on a onesie less than a minute after we put it on him. Much, much worse, he also threw up on me. Check out the pictures page to bear witness to my indignity.

    2006-10-26: When I made the list of "Things That Are Funny", I forgot to add this:

    Making Niklas Wear A Cowl Made Out Of His Onesie - This is the absolute highlight of the diaper changing process (it's even better than wiping the poop off his butt. Shocking, I know). I unsnap the onsie and pull the rear flap up behind his back and put it over his head. He looks like The World's Smallest Druid*. This has a practical purpose as well. When he inevitably starts peeing all over the changing table, occasionally, the wizz doesn't make it up his back far enough to necessitate a clothing change**. Pictures of this hilariosity are rare as the general panic that overtakes me when the diaper changing is going on makes it difficult to use a camera.

    *Note that I have absolutely no evidence that Druids wore cowls. There is especially a lack of evidence that had they worn cowls, they would have been bright orange. Still, I stick to my story.

    **This is rarely the case. Mostly it's just funny.

    2006-10-27: We found a nanny for Niklas today. I haven't met her, but she apparently impressed Andrya. That's no easy feat, so I gather that she'll be good at the nannying.

    Today, Niklas decided that his clothes were covered in insufficient amounts of puke, so he made an effort to remedy that. This project ran contrary to Andrya's efforts to keep her son free of puke. Four or five outfits later, Andrya's philosophy won out, though I'm pretty sure that this isn't the last time Niklas will push this initiative. We have to be vigilant.

    2006-10-28: We cleaned out Niklas's drawers today (the drawers in his dresser, his pants get cleaned out everyday... repeatedly). Most of his short sleeve onsies got the boot. They're going into storage to await their next occupant (they'll be waiting for a while). He's starting to fill out his three to six month stuff. Well, some of it, anyway. I get the impression that three and six are sometimes just numbers that have no correlation to clothing size.

    There are a bunch of new pictures up. Check them out on the pictures page.

    2006-10-30: Niklas has been particularly fussy today. I assume that he is afraid of evil spirits. I've tried to explain to him that we have a jack-o-lantern that will scare them away, but he's still a bit wary.

    Niklas met his Great-Grandma Meeker yesterday. She came up with Regular Grandma and Grandpa Meeker. A good time was had by all, except for when Grandpa Meeker jinxed the Steelers earning him a lifetime Sunday ban from the house. Niklas does not tolerate anti-Steeler sentiment, even if it's not intentional.